I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
