and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
