Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
