maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
