what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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