his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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