no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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