The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I wish there were birth control emojis
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
