My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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