You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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