She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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