You're completely useless in the revolution.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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