Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Drake has all the answers
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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