I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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