I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
