im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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