Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
