babies were throwing up all over the place
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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