it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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