you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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