I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
