I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
