The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
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I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
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He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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