just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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