A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
