Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
