I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
