well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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