"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
