just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
