Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
