Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
