My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
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I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
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You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
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