Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
