I'm sorry my penis didn't work
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
