I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
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