hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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