I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
