i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Pooping to opera.
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