peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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