Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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