Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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