My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
