his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
