He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
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