I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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