made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
