I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
