1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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