Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
