Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
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