thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
