Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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