Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
