I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
